We are becoming lonelier and it’s hurting us. 1 This might come as a relief, you probably thought you were the only person without close friends. You’re not and there are plenty of reasons for it.
One reason is the changing labor market.2 We have moved away from a manufacturing economy, most of us are in either a service profession or a professional environment. Both make it more difficult to create and maintain substantial relationships. We are constantly working as individuals serving other individuals or solving problems. Work environments have become more competitive, we are moving from one job to the next because corporations no longer have our backs. Many of us are able to work from home, our contact with peers limited to video conferences and the occasional retirement party. We are no longer working physically side by side on a different part of the same product. We eat lunch at our desks (if at all) fighting against deadlines and avoiding another “from work to bed” day.
We’re becoming less neighborly. 3 We have become less communal in our neighborhoods, neighbors only speaking to each other to say “hey” when they happen to see each other or are in need of a variance for some kind of permit. Given the increasingly litigious nature of our culture, neighbors are viewed more as potential threats than friends. Our kids are in professionally led activities or at home playing video games, there’s no need for the old school neighborhood watch. In fact, our neighbors could be dangerous to our kids so the less interaction with them the better.
The growing divide between the haves and have-nots is another factor. 4 Those of us that don’t have the Benz or the 10k purse are too intimidated or ashamed to put ourselves out there. Those of us that do have these things feel weird about hanging with people who don’t have the same stuff because we don’t want to come across as materialistic or be in the uncomfortable position of picking a dinner spot the other person can’t afford. We either don’t recognize it or can’t admit it, but we need to get over it.
We are less connected to faith-based communities. 5 I don’t have a problem with that in and of itself but religion was something that used to bring folks together at least once a week and nothing has really replaced it.
We are too busy. Our kids are in a million things, we might talk to a few parents here and there but we’re focused on the next activity we have to get to or the dinner we have to make.
We are more mobile.6 Crossing states for a job that distances us from our home base and our families of origin are becoming standard. Social media is becoming our primary medium. We are friends with screen names, personalities and we can turn the relationships on or off with a switch of a setting. They are easy to get, maintain and end but they can feel empty.
Many of us are broke.7 Wages have remained stagnant and the cost of goods have outpaced what we make (please don’t cite ridiculous studies that include relocation packages most people don’t get or use as a counter) and friends cost money
As all of this is happening, we are becoming less comfortable with and less skilled at making friends because we don’t have the opportunity, time or resources to take the chance.
We’re not weird or unlikable. We have nothing to be ashamed of. We need to change.
Unfortunately, it’s on you. It’s not fair or right. It just is. DBT has a way through this 8. In fact, it has a comprehensive protocol devoted to helping people find friends but for now, I’m going to point out the assumptions and general suggestions it begins with – the broad game plan.
All Human Beings are lovable and making friends requires work.
This includes you. You have qualities and traits that some might find annoying or undesirable, but others may find those same qualities endearing and entertaining. “You are lovable” doesn’t mean everyone will love you right away. It means most people will like you if they put in the time and effort and others may like you right away. In DBT and CBT, we don’t leave it up to others. We take risks. We fail. We embrace failure. We bathe in failure. We buy failure a fucking engagement ring and make babies. Failure helps us learn.
Look for people who are close by and interact with them. Familiarity leads to liking and sometimes loving people.
This just makes sense right? Get involved in your community, with the folks who live near you. See them over and over again. Become familiar and easy to access. Make shopping trips and other errands an opportunity to get to know people. Connect with folks in your community on social media and join your community forums.
Look for people who are similar to you. We make friends with people who share our interests and have similar attitudes to ours.
There is evidence to support that we like people who are like us. 9 They don’t have to be exactly like us, but similar interests and worldviews help. Join clubs that focus on activities that you enjoy, because other people who enjoy those same things will be there. There are even apps that can help you.
Work on your conversation skills.
Ask questions, get interested in the other person. Have things you are interested in to talk about and if you have nothing that interests you become interested in something and learn about it. Small talk matters. Be vulnerable, share pieces of yourself, but do so effectively – middle ground.
Express Liking (Selectively)
We need to be authentic here and express our fondness for someone wisely and in proportion to the relationship. Focus on positive qualities or things they are effective at in your compliment or expression of like. Identifying and expressing qualities in another person that you like will increase the chances of them liking you.
It might be helpful to focus on this list as a starting point, a way to check your assumptions, judgments and assess your skill. For some folks, the difficulty in buying into this list might have to do with judgment (“Not all people are lovable”, “Making friends shouldn’t be this much work”), skill deficits (“I don’t know how to engage in small talk”, “I don’t know how to end a conversation gracefully”) or emotion (shame, anxiety). And as always, there’s a way through these barriers, but that’s for another time.
1 Loneliness: An Epidemic? Hannah Schulze, Harvard University
2 Friends at Work? Not So Much, Adam Grant NYT (opinion)
3Trulia: 1 in 2 Americans Don’t Know Neighbors’ Names
5 It’s Hard to Go to Church, Emma Green, The Atlantic
7Inflation rises in the face of stagnant wages, McGrath, Pension and Benefits
8 DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets Second Edition, Marsha M. Linehan
9 Study finds our desire for ‘like-minded others’ is hard-wired