Manipulation is necessary.

I usually get weird looks from clients when I say that and I can understand why. It has such a nasty connotation. As a culture, we focus on one meaning:
“the action of manipulating someone in a clever or unscrupulous way.”

but there is another:
“the action of manipulating something in a skillful manner.”

Link (in case you don’t believe me)

We are all manipulative. From the minute we are born, we manipulate. We quickly learn that when we cry parents meet our needs and parents in meeting our needs cause us to stop crying. If not lesson one of becoming human, it’s close to it. We see it in our consumer culture, retailers reduce prices to unload inventory and customers wait for the sales before buying. If we didn’t manipulate we would simply accept things as they are – no matter how problematic –  it would be difficult to imagine how we would survive as a species.

So it’s not so much that we manipulate, but rather, how we go about it.

Ineffective manipulation involves moralizing “if you were a good person you would”, “if you loved me you would”, threats “I don’t think I can go on if you leave me”, or attacks “you are a shitty person”. While these might be effective occasionally, they end up harming the relationship with others in the long term. These behaviors also increase our sense of neediness and regret as well as our feelings of guilt or shame.

Ethical manipulation involves being fact-based but also being clear on the impact these facts have on you. It involves explaining what the behavior change or thing you want means to you NOT what it means about the other person if they don’t change the behavior or give you what you want. It involves leveraging empathy proportionately and not getting in the way of natural consequences (a reasonable response to not getting what you want because not responding would affect your sense of self-respect and the long-term health of the relationship itself).

So go ahead, manipulate as much as you want – you were built for it- and when you do, manipulate ethically and skillfully.